Of course, I'm back with the intention to give an account of the events since the start of the June holidays.

Hmm. The June holidays were fairly awesome I guess. Didn't expect much rest time, and it turned out as expected. Had a few memorable outings with different people. Thank God for these awesome people. Went to Sentosa at least twice, tried to break away from the hectic schedule, and it proved to be really helpful. 解脱. All in all, really glad to have met some people in my life. Even if it's just once in my life, I'm grateful for them.

Four weeks. Four weeks since the end of the June holidays. Honestly speaking I was fearful. I mean. I've been trying out ways to evade work. Evade my thoughts. Evade your virtual presence. I don't know, but everything points to the fact that my plan of being an escapist was nothing but a complete fiasco. I can't seem to keep thoughts out if I don't keep myself busy. Then I thought, perhaps blogging'd be the remedy.

Week 1 was terrible. Week 2 was terrible. Can't remember details 'cuz I'm never good at them. Week 3 was slightly better, but I thought I took some things more seriously than ever. I began to question my trust. I began to doubt your character. I was turned off by your falsified mien. I don't know. It could be the hormones, but believe me, I've given enough chances. Now the only thing left to do is to watch and wait. And I'll do that, for our sake.

I realised that 'wait' and 'sake' rhyme. Oh well. I'm on my way.

Today. Thursday of Week 4. Week 4's cool. Cool as in, nothing big happened. I didn't want to return, for it was tough for me to try to keep you out of my life. I don't know if you're providing comfort in my solace, or if you're ruining my life. I know the extent of your influence. You were right in saying that you had control over me, though that was a mere passing remark. But still, spot on.

It's weird how totally unfocused I am right now. 95 days till the end of misery, but as a matter of fact, the stuff that're occupying my mind are hardly these. And it's a bad sign of course.

I'm so fickle, so subjected to opinions, so willing to listen but very often unappreciated, so inferior, so alone, so overcome by lassitude, so empty, so naive.

Somebody always asked if I were fine, if I were okay. If I replied yes nonchalantly, he'd insist on knowing the truth. But the truth is, there isn't anything bothering me. It's just... I've lost the smiles, lost the cheerfulness, lost the submissiveness, lost the peace-loving nature, lost everything that I once had, everything that I once took pride in. Just to make way for one thing: self-esteem.

It's been a long battle I fought, and I finally got a firm grasp on it. I'm not gonna let go of it just like that, no matter how worn out I'd be at the end of the day.

Nonetheless, I'm particularly surprised at how I'm still alive.

Heh. And I kinda got distracted at this point in time. I don't know how some people can bear really harsh remarks. I think she's the strongest person I've ever seen, and though I know I'm not supposed to credit her for her inherent strength, I'm still gonna do so anyway. I don't know how you guys could miss this. She has something that you don't. Dignity.

I'll gaze at the sky everyday. I'll look up with a smile. I'll successfully delude myself into thinking that all is fine.