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Sunday, December 06, 2015 @ 1:39 am
Currently feeling pretty delirious and tired. Just got back from a meet-up with the old Sec 4 gang to celebrate Rochelle's belated birthday. It started out fine until we had the chance to be alone.You're a grey area to me; I can't seem to move past this stage because every single time we touch, the feelings come flooding back. I guess we have different outlooks with regards to this. You could walk away from anything freely with no strings attached; it's something emotionless and it's... "just the act". That's something I'd probably never understand; I can never help but to bring emotions into it. Only because it's only human. But to you I'm either red or green, and I'm guessing green. Sometimes I blame myself for being the one who messed up, because I stopped saying the right words/doing the right things to make you feel right. Sometimes I blame you for being too damn sensitive. But after the long break of 10 months, I've learnt that it's never a blame game. Sometimes I feel that getting back together seems a viable and fair option to bring things back to the old comfortable norm, but sometimes I tell myself that everything happens for a reason -- so did our breakup, Sometimes I also wonder if we are both stuck in situation. But the truth is that you've moved on, wanting to give yourself a second chance with somebody else, to gain back the smothered attraction and affection. Something for which I have the sad misfortune of not being able to deliver anymore. And I haven't. I only found out today. I had this unfounded sense of satisfaction when we finally talked about what bothered me for quite a bit since our last meetup. I was finally able to refuse your advances and tell you about it. I felt unusually relieved and kind of glad that I got the message across, yet in retrospect, I don't know if I was too... conservative or stupid. I know I miss all the little talks and the proximity. But I felt I couldn't lie to myself anymore, especially after seeing how different the look in your eyes was when we were so in love versus now when you just want company, feeling for myself first-hand how differently you held me in your arms -- detached, pretentious, full of intent -- and also how you were no longer committed to making me feel right and eased into being your company for the night. As much as I desired to rewind the clocks back and set things right, part of me felt that I don't deserve this much agony even if I found out in the end that things are not going to work out. 6 December is definitely a date I'll remember for life. It's just too bad I'm good with dates. Today marks what we could have been, if I hadn't lost the words to say. Today I feel that I should be taking the blame and the fault lies in me. I don't know why, but feeling dignified and foolish at the same time could be such an amusing mismatch of emotions. To think I once thought hearts could never be broken over and over again. Maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. |