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Wednesday, October 04, 2017 @ 12:48 am
Currently feeling slightly off and out-of-sorts; don't know if it's because of the coffee I drank earlier this evening or if it's due to the culmination of events that occurred today (Shauna's A&E visit). Or maybe it could very well be just life in general. Before becoming consciously aware of turning 22 really soon, I'd just like to pen this strange array of emotions down while it's still freshly lingering in me.Ever since the start of this academic year, the pursuit of excellence and responsibility of learning well in school has diminished in stark contrast to what I was not too long ago. I can't pinpoint exactly when and where and how and why this happened, but I believe something somewhere along the way must have incited this huge change. At random times of the day I am reminded of how nonchalant I am about schoolwork and these thoughts hover quite a fair bit. It feels like some sort of a mid-uni crisis whereby thoughts about entering university and persisting on in this course come flooding in, unfounded thoughts from unknown sources inundating my already worn-out and flat mind. I tend to brush these thoughts away. At times I feebly attempt to remind myself of the reason why I started out in the first place, to learn well and understand work for the benefit of the people under my care in future. These return with naught and present themselves as fleeting ideas that are quickly shoved aside to accommodate ever more information from lessons that I haven't been able to internalise. I am still worried about the sheer amount of detail that I have yet to learn (that I should have learnt last year), but nothing beats this misdirection or lost feeling. It's like being dropped off smack in the middle of a large glacier lagoon deep in the night without snowshoes, a tour guide or a map. The only beacon of light from the torch is wavering, the battery dying off. You're afraid, but there's nothing to be afraid of because there's no one and nothing. You want to and so try to survive another day, but don't know how the dawn of a new day will turn out, and don't know if the subsequent days are worth the turmoil today. At times you stare up at the night sky, alone and cold, expecting a starry night to mull over the night but see nothing but a blank space above. So vulnerable, yet so formidable because there is no one and nothing to tear down your defenses. After all these thoughts, your body propels you to plough on while your mind takes a break. You mindlessly go on and the cycle of these emotions repeat. It's really tiring. I've never known that emotional capacity can run out. I'm low on reserves. I've been trying to be emotionally available everywhere every time in the past, be it for friends, family or patients. Right now I'm gradually losing the capacity to do so; I don't want new relationships, don't want to rekindle old relationships, don't want to face existing relationships. I can't bring myself to reply text messages, even from people of interest. Family is another huge... source of emptiness. Just a few days back I was bickering with Geraldine, who seems to find fault in everyone who tries to point out her flaws. I'm not the kind who argues for the sake of arguing and would rather err on the peaceful side, but still am brutally honest and straightforward when it comes to family matters. I would at all costs avoid conflict. She talked about how I wasted money not going for piano exams but getting a piano, how I give up on things halfway. I am aware of my lack of determination/fleeting interests that cannot be honed further because of a lack of talent or laziness, yet she makes it sound as though I have never gone into introspection mode at any point of time in my twenty-one years. I am fully aware, even about this egoistic side of me that I have never tried to accept or acknowledge all along. I am self-conscious, unwilling to make a bad impression on people, feel strongly about what I believe in but unable to overtly express my thoughts, am a poor speaker who cannot articulate or substantiate my thoughts and emotions, am a meek lamb who is more comfortable following than leading, afraid to make a point, speak up or make a decision for fear of going against some parties. It is impossible now to live up to my own abstract expectation of being someone that people look up to, being a "perfect" human being with no enemies, leaving no bad impression on people and pleasing everyone, being extremely diplomatic and having no opinion of my own so that I don't take sides and don't offend anyone, which are stupid and impractical and nearly pointless now come to think of it. Back to when the argument with Geraldine happened, I gave up and abruptly stopped all the quarreling. I felt so exhausted trying to make a point for myself, make it clear to her that I am not trying to make life difficult for her or make her feel shitty, and so I just gave up. It ended with Dad telling me to "be more generous/accepting". I got blamed for being calculative by Mum. All my life I've only been recognised by my parents or relatives as "the smart one" who does well academically. I honestly don't care about tarnishing this now; even if I fall from grace in this aspect, nobody is going to give a shit anymore because we've all reached this certain point in education that it is no longer important to compare and compete. I don't give a shit about it either and don't think this is excessively important now. It is strange how the pursuit of academic excellence and gaining respect and recognition from doing well was so important in the past; the Singaporean way of life moulded me to be this robot living to churn tangible results. Over the years, the intangible aspects of life have become closer to my heart, probably because of emotional maturity or the adoption of differing perspectives from various events and encounters in life. I want to be known as a filial child, a reliable and trustworthy friend capable of making a friend feel better in the worst moments in his/her life and someone who people would turn to for advice, a helpful individual who doesn't just perform acts of kindness when scrutinised or seen, a gracious sibling who provides support for her siblings and be a role model to them, a real and relatable person who has her own opinions yet sounds just about right and not overbearing. I used to be somewhat like that, but it seems somewhere along the way I lost this fine touch. I still try, I always do. I know how important these values are to me and would always remind myself to uphold these virtues as a person. All my life I have been a lucky child. I have a complete family, which is most of the time harmonious and at times happy. I am blessed with a capable brain that allows me to utilise it for academic work and problem-solving, and have the capacity to feel emotions well. I am blessed with good health albeit being a fat lazy ass. I have a grandmother who lives with us and although I can't currently put into words how important she has been in my life (she's brought out the ugliest in me), I am happy to have her with me. I am complete as a living piece of flesh. But there is still some discontentment and resentment deep within me that I must confess now. This feeling of inadequacy and insecurity has been there for the longest time, probably subconsciously in the past and surfaced only in the recent years. Somehow I am never good enough; I get praised for schoolwork, but that's about it. No one sees me beyond the "smart overachiever" me. I put in effort to be filial, accompanying Dad to buy and see things, watch TV, be the non-existent son that he'd probably always wanted but am quickly dismissed when things are bad. It seems as though the harder I try, the more hurt I experience. Dad is the harshest to me when he acts up; I get it worst and every nice damn thing is forgotten when I am the cause of his anger. I try to talk to Mum about school, work, problems at home, life when I'm with her (on the way to school or during mealtimes), unlike all my other siblings. When there's no one to go grocery-shopping with her, I do it willingly. Not only am I not awarded with some acknowledgement of my presence, I feel taken for granted many at times. Once I get onto the car when she picks me up from school, she's almost always on the phone with her sisters. Even when I'm really tired and want to sleep so badly, I can't because she talks and laughs at the top of her voice. At times when I refuse to do certain things for her because I'm tired, she throws tantrums and makes me sound as though I'm always unwilling to do things for her. She makes me feel like a labourer for her. Both Dad and Mum expect me to be always around for my siblings, giving them tuition but never considering the fact that I myself would have forgotten how schoolwork was like then, helping them look for tuition/recommendations and expecting me to negotiate with my friends. I feel trapped, used, and that somehow I am living for others and not for myself. I always put in the effort for people whom I care about, still wishing people happy birthday at 12 midnight, but never get the reciprocal. I really don't ask for much in return, only to be seen and heard sometimes. When the time comes that I die suddenly, would people even notice the loss? And I wonder it would be any different without me in others' life. I thought I would have become old enough to manage expectations and take things in my stride. This still bothers me at a ripe age of past-teenage. Though I am a staunch believer of the ideation that there is absolutely nothing wrong with unresolved feelings about expectations at any stage in life, I can't help but feel helpless and pathetic when these feelings strike back. I can't hear myself anymore. These expectations from myself and the people around me are beckoning every ounce of strength and mental will I have left. I'd have to give away the last bit of whatever's remaining. Hope things will take a better turn at 22. Happy birthday to myself. |