Today up till now was tiring. Had mahjong session with H6 until 4am and now I'm struggling to keep myself steady enough for GECO later at night. Woke up early to send Teng off for enlistment today. Although it doesn't directly affect me, I still felt diverse forms of weird emotions which are neither strong nor faint. Maybe it was the genuine lack of sleep. It suddenly hit me that it's gonna be a new chapter of their lives but ours remain the same minus all the company and fun times together. It's technically not that bad, but the sense of loss was still overpowering. I suddenly felt appreciative of everything that we shared in common - memories, thoughts, emotions, food, laughter, company, pure fun - throughout the past six years. We've really come a long way and it's rare how our friendship still stays unwavered despite so many changes. It was gratitude, anxiety, pride, reluctance all mashed up in their mildest forms which made me feel really sick and confused.

Had mini conversations with his mum and finally saw how she was like as a woman. I didn't expect myself not to pay enough attention to the important people around him. It brought me to reconsider how deep this friendship is and whether it was at all superficial, or that knowing less could make a friendship more innocent and unsophisticated by reducing tiring complications and undesirable quarrels. I felt her worry, her reluctance, her confidence, her shrewdness, and saw how she was a strong person unafraid to express her staunch opinions to anyone. Gave me an eye-opener to many things I haven't seen from her perspective. Encouraged me to pursue what I intend to, despite obstacles that stand in your way. Taught me not to follow what people think is right for you but what you think defines you. Reminded me to spend energy and vitality to go for things that I should do while I'm still youthful. I couldn't comprehend how such an uneventful day could bring so much thought but whenever I recall the look in her eyes, I recall a deep longing and the invisible heavy burden that she's been carrying, staring into space in a distance. Something I would never forget.

And for the new recruits? I couldn't care less with all the chaos and loud family gatherings. Instead I took notice of the few silent individuals obviously bogged down by a truckload of mentally burdensome thoughts. The insecurity of the future was clearly reflected in their eyes. How can I come out of this alive? I've heard so much, could there be worse? Will I really transform from a dependent wilful boy into a youthful man with conviction and independence? If I have dreams that I want to pursue in the army, can I rise to the occasion and prove my worth? How badly will I miss my loved ones? What do I want myself to become at the end of two years? So many thoughts yet so little room for them.

I haven't been putting much thought into myself even though I seem to spend so much time evaluating others. But I'm beginning to want to improve myself to be a better person. Being more (financially) independent, less vulnerable, have greater aspirations, think out of the box, being more flexible and open to new ideas and most of all, not be bounded by the definitions of what is right and what is wrong. 

Well... Youth is an age to discover and enjoy after all, and my youth shall begin today.