Don't Close Your Eyes

		Hello, World. ♥; JANICE Ahbai/Lab/Abaky(tard) & Living life on the edge Facebook

Wishlist #1 Be adventurous #2 Be of value to those around me #3 Find a spur in life tagboard Widgets Affiliates CKPS 6A`o7 Aaron Aisyah Ariel Calvin Camilia Chee Yong Clarice Darren Ee Zhen Eng Xuan Jacky Jean Joo Yoon Katherine Lisa Mei Yee MC Mo Munir Peng Ker Qian Joo Qi Hui Sam Seo Jung Vanessa Wei Ling Winky Yong Lun Zhe Shen CCHMS CCHMSCO Florence Jacinda Ka Wing Mabel 2DL'09 CLASS BLOG! 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Now that it's recess week, I guess I deserve some time for myself to go into a pensive mood and reflect about the trials and tribulations in life. :) Up till this point in my academic pursuit, I've just completed two of the largest postings in Phase III, Internal Medicine and Paediatrics. The only things that I'd written in the past 4 months since school started were case analyses on patients and other medical literature. It was then that I noticed how crappy my writing became (it could partly be because medical cases were all factual and boring), and how pathetic my sentences were -- unvaried, commas in the same part of each sentence, over-using words like 'hence', 'also', 'unremarkable', 'I say this because', 'elevated', 'raised', 'differentials', 'and', 'as well as', and many others of that ilk. It's been bothering me a lot. Other stupid things include typing extraordinarily long sentences full of commas, attempting to come up with more synonyms that can be medically appropriate as well, starting sentences with some pronoun... ugh kills me when I think of it. I really wanna start reading and writing again without having so many problems with expression and issues with stringent use of vocabulary. Speaking of Paediatrics, I think I wouldn't just stash the thought of doing Paediatrics in the future away just yet. Interacting with children/teenagers and their parents has given me a lot of confidence in my communication skills and at this point in time, I still feel that I'm able to connect with these children (could be because I'm not getting old yet). Also thought that I would do badly at Paediatrics in terms of knowledge and competency at the start of the posting, but turns out that I've been able to answer many of the questions that tutors and lecturers pose, and am no longer apprehensive of the thought of having to present a case, summarise a case, perform physical examination, take a history or answer questions posed. It's heartening to know that I've been making progress, and it's some good tangible progress that's gonna be shaping who I become in the next few years to come. Apart from school and work, I'm starting to think about the research project that Tung enrolled us into, and how it could become increasingly relevant and relatable to me. This really really disturbs me and puts me off a lot. Right from the time when the thought of doing Medicine came into my mind, I've always had a few crucial concerns. The first would be that of performing up to the expectations of the faculty, my family and also of patients (mostly in future but also increasingly applicable now). The second would be that of becoming more and more jaded over time. Nick told me about how I shouldn't be getting lazy and becoming jaded so early on in Med school, and I thought, how does becoming lazy equate to being jaded. Then I wondered, maybe I am really becoming jaded -- sometimes wanting to/choosing to turn a blind eye to certain patients when in a rush or when "unimportant" (which is subjective), feeling that what some patients are going through is common (even though before I knew the medical condition I would've thought that it's serious and anxiety-inducing) and it affects me less now, choosing patients with signs and being eager to clerk them (opportunistic learning, but what about the other lonely patients without signs, maybe just social issues, that want somebody to talk to them). I don't know man. I can say all this now and feel so damn guilty about how learning and stress and priorities (which are all just excuses by the way) affected me to become somebody I have never wanted to be, and I am really so ashamed of myself for tipping over to the dark side. I guess he really set me thinking about how ignorant I was with my own behaviour, because what I displayed reflected to some extent how I viewed certain issues at hand, and also how I would likely to act to overcome or settle these issues. Maybe it's because those were busy postings. I'll try to become better in the subsequent ones. I really resent myself sometimes. Came into Med school thinking that it could grow and develop my character to become a good and better Samaritan, help to treat patients and bring hope. I still believe in all these. Came into Med school thinking that whatever I learn in school, I can apply when I come home to my family everyday. But now it seems to me that I've become more and more critical. Granny's dementia is getting a lot worse and I can't even remember when was the first time she mistook me for my cousin Soo Chin. From then on she's been calling me that, and until I half shout at her, she doesn't realise that she's made a mistake. Maybe I've made a mistake for not being at home often enough, for turning a blind eye to her sometimes and thinking that becoming senile is part and parcel of ageing (thank you Med school), for not being with her even when I'm at home (for instance, selfish me with my alone time now). Mum's been complaining of some chest pains recently, and she thinks it may be something wrong with her lungs. I immediately dissed the idea; summing up everything she's been displaying and complaining of for the past few months + family history of heart disease + personal history of valvular regurgitation, I thought she had a heart problem. School taught me to ask patients if they have any thoughts and ideas about what the cause of their health problems could be, so I took very long to remember that, held back, and asked her why she thought it was her lungs that were bothering her. At least I did hold back. I really don't want to become a machine that just follows algorithms, asks questions for the sake of getting answers that I want, becoming so intent on finishing the job that there's less genuineness in emotions and losing the human touch. I really want to step out of this, but I can't seem to make the first move. I really want someone to take this step forward with me, but there's no one. Putting all of that aside (oh my goodness it's still been school and school crisis-related ugh I hate myself), met up with Haoyu and Keith recently to celebrate my birthday in advance, and Keith updated me on our way home that he's currently working on someone. M2 from Med school, caring and actually shows it (unlike me basically), and for the most part similar to me. Why am I even using myself as a benchmark (it's perfectly fine if he does but not me)? I'm really not great a person. But never mind besides that, I've found myself to be quite comfortable again with hearing such stuff from him, which seems to me that I've managed to put everything that happened between us behind and stepped out of the shithole. I'm glad I did. I felt that it was great that he's looking for someone, and I think I can manage giving him advice now that I've come through. He said he doesn't know who else he can share such stuff with, and I guess he's really trying to mend our friendship and restore it back to how it was before we got together. Sounds fine to me, but I really really hope that we never ever cross the line, ever again. If we have to, it won't be any time soon at all. Since tomorrow's my 21st birthday, happy birthday to myself. I share my wish with the world (too ambitious, maybe just with the Internet and whoever chances upon this post); I hope to become a better person. Better is an understatement. I hope to become someone that my past and future self will look up too alike, and maybe someone that others will take as a role model. That's the life goal (nicer way of saying ideal). Or if I wanna be realistic about it, I hope to become someone that my past and future self can tolerate. :)