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Wednesday, January 22, 2014 @ 12:28 pm
It's been more than a year! 22 days into 2014 but who cares.2013 was eventful, smooth-sailing, safe, heart-wrenching, exhausting... On the whole a greatly endearing experience. I'd most definitely miss school life and wearing a uniform, although I know I started out feeling alienated and pretty lost. Just pretty mixed feelings about my overall experience in Hwa Chong. It wouldn't exactly make me go oh-wow-I-love-my-school-so-much-I'm-willing-to-go-all-out-and-cheer-my-lungs-out (well anyone who'd instinctively do that should rethink their school experience or jump out of self-denial 'coz I don't think school's THAT amazing all the time). It feels like "the place to be", but I'm saying it with less conviction. Tsk. To sum it up, I guess what's most important is that if I were to make my choice again in 2012 JAE, I would have no regrets making the same decision. I remember being asked this question: what would you want yourself to be in the future? Well that gave me a huge question mark because I don't know whether to indulge in cynicism towards the idea of shaping an ideal for myself to model after, or to just truthfully give enough thought to that. I really suck at planning ahead and see no point in doing so but I guess at times, life just forces you to make decisions. And I don't like it. Ever wondered how things would turn out again if we were to relive the same experience for a second time with the same people? To be honest I know nothing would stay the same, but I was just thinking if I would be stupid to let myself get hurt for a second time, and if that hurt would outweigh the happiness derived. My heart says yes, but something's holding me back. Losing everything you once had is painful, but losing something you have once lost is ever more agonising. The same vicious cycle of self-aggrandisement, self-denial, false pretence, avoidance, and getting false hopes altogether... makes me wanna shrink away and hide. On a separate issue, I think I really can find joy with everything I do, and that costs me the need for deep thought about what's suitable for a career. Hope I can find a driving force to spur me on soon! My weakest link man. Brimming with passion and compassion but lacking commitment. Wishing for an enlightening 2014 ahead! |