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Wishlist #1 Be adventurous #2 Be of value to those around me #3 Find a spur in life tagboard Widgets Affiliates
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Sunday, May 31, 2015 @ 11:30 pm
Maybe we should all start thinking about what makes us happy instead of what might be best. Thursday, May 28, 2015 @ 10:37 am
I set up the walls of defence and donned on Sunday's best. Sundays are the very best. Always. The crowd brimming with life and so full of zest; parents who finally have time spared some for their little ones brought them to the circus. I was told that I would never disappoint, and they were damn right about that. I was already so good at this.I stepped out of the tent, and the arena's lightings blazed and blinded me momentarily. Overexposed, for the first and the last time. Nobody could see me for one moment, until the white light bounced off the spectrum I was wearing in a disorderly array, discordantly harmonious. The applause thundered once everyone realised who I was, with the shrill shrieks of child-like voices ringing intermittently. My confidence grew with the noise and the smile I wore best, like a gesture programmed in response to the recognition, came on alive on my face caked in white. Sundays always made me feel the best, a cornucopia of pleasure. Not having to speak, my deft hands and face took over the job with the help of some props, sending the spectators roaring with laughter. An apt display of the multitude of histrionics was something that I prided myself on greatly, the little something that I could do best. Even on my very last day, my little act was still as popular. I've always centred my performance on the judgement of others, on the applause, on the approval. Those were my sources of fuel, guiding me through the most tiring days, the hardest times. I never wanted to fail and I never fail. I never wanted to disappoint and I never disappoint. Today will not be an exception. But on the last day, the walls of defence I've painstakingly built up tore down on stage. I left a moment for myself whilst trying to juggle with the pantomime, and all I felt were droplets trickling down my cheeks, smudging the paint on my eyes and face and at the same time, clouding my vision and soul. There was no point for pantomime if I didn't feel in place. When the applause ceased, I thought I failed. Unprofessionally. But I don't know if anybody could actually see me. If only you could see me. Sometimes I look back and wonder if the last act was a complete fiasco or a disguised success. When I left, everybody knew that the heart of the circus was gone, that one. Yet nobody knew who I actually was. All that was left remembered was a mere virtual identity capable of making the most superficial human touches. No intimacy, no character. But the last and supposedly the best left traces of my humanity with the people when I first let people see real emotions. I felt so stark naked, so exposed, so vulnerable. Once in a blue moon, I leave little pockets of moments like these for myself. When I'm done with service to myself, my service to others starts again, but this time on a different stage. Like a vagabond, I move from places to places, from hearts to hearts. But at the end of the day, I would still always be the one working to bring a big smile to your face. The approval, the bona fide happiness, these things I can live on. Even with the bleeding from the gash deep within, it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing else matters more. Wednesday, May 13, 2015 @ 11:42 am
It's been a really draining half a year so far. School work's one, but not the bulk of it. The weeks of shit finally culminated in a peaceful carefree holiday. I have no idea how I managed to pull through, but whatever gave me the strength, I'm extremely grateful. Right now... I'm just really quite free for now & I honestly can't wait for the Taiwan trip!!!!!So throughout this whole time, I've finally been able to see things in a newer light, from a better perspective. If there's one thing that's gonna stick with me for life, it'll be that there's always something positive on the bad flipside and that everything happens for a reason. The end of a day brings new hopes for tomorrow, the end of a chapter harbours a greater excitement for the next. I guess I see it now. Friday, May 01, 2015 @ 6:08 pm
Well I should have told this story some time ago, but I was curious to see if my hypothesis was right. I always thought that some things are meant to stay in your mind only for a short while, and lessons that are forgotten are just not memorable enough. I guess this story of mine really has a profound impact on me then.It's about the driving test again. You heard me right. This shit's still stuck in my head. But there's something else to it. In all honesty, I've regarded you as a safe all this while -- an entity where I just dump my assets, leave them there and never be reminded of them until something happens. And there you are, just nonchalantly taking whatever I have up, right up to every single cent, even still seemingly having more space than ever, never satisfied and filled. I hate to say this but... that fury of mine culminates every time the lesson ends. I thought there were some things in life that are just so easy, just right there for you to claim. I grudgingly still pay my due anyway. I thought you were a mercenary individual. When time's up you leave, when I fail perhaps you chuckle and think... what an idiot to fail at such an easy thing. I shouldn't have been so miserable and bitter. That day, you couldn't stop nagging at my ear and reminding of all the little things I would definitely forget when my mind went on a wild chase against time. You cajoled and reassured me like how a father would comfort his little girl when she's shaken by her nightmare. You implored for me to kill the existence of my figment of imagination which has been telling me that I am super incompetent. You planned and set aside extra time for my final lesson for me to calm my nerves, and for you to drive me around, showing me that some things are always possible to achieve when you set your heart and mind to it. When I short-changed you of a dollar, you told me that it didn't matter, hinted to me that as long as I passed this one dollar would be worth it. A man of few words, but I was truly surprised at how much I got from you on that day. Up till this day I regret how I've been misunderstanding you and how much I haven't respected you, even if I know I didn't show it. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget these little things you've done for me as a stranger. There are just too many sides to a person. Often we are blinded only by the side that we see and believe from what others say, whether good or bad or ugly. What we fail to see are almost always the aspects that are the dearest and most precious to us, the aspects that could make or break your beliefs and faith in humanity. We let things and people slip by without noticing. There are times and opportunities where we can salvage our actions, by making it up to people and erasing all traces of ignorance, I believe resolution comes most of the times. But I truly will never want to live the day when all hope of salvation is lost. Okay when I re-read this post it seems to be super myopic and far-fetched... but I'm not sure why I felt so strongly then. |