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Monday, March 03, 2014 @ 11:17 am
Pre-results post.Been tortured by an array of absurd emotions since this morning. It started with anxiety/nervousness which escalated quickly into fresh panic and soon after that I plunged into deep nostalgia and there came this longing of wanting to meet up with some (old) friends later today. Before this whole whirlwind continues to take me further away from sanity, I just wanted to pen down some thoughts and feelings and hopefully get back to see this and laugh at how silly I am at this point. Didn't have many happenings in the past few days that could have presented themselves as harbingers of today's outcome. Other than the mere fact that I woke up to a nightmare of a seemingly plain results slip which had a mixture of A, B, C and D grades with that D grade for Math. Had been able to sleep but where did this strong anxiety come from? I guess it came to me suddenly that in a matter of hours I'd have to make decisions that would carry me to my aspirations and dreams at least for the next 10 years. It was the stress of making important decisions that would impact the (near) future and decide where I would belong next. Which then would also affect which friends stay and those who don't. The amount of money I would be spending on education which affects the future finances. Seems illogical but the possibilities are infinite. From this point onwards each decision is a turning point. And I don't like making bad decisions (I mean, who does anyway?). I was once able to comfort myself and bring out the optimism in me. To tell myself and the people around me that one event in life wouldn't be the cause of the end of the world, that things cannot be undone and we'll just have to move on from there, not to look back, etc.. So many things that once made sense to me no longer to appealed to my sense of pragmatism. This optimism now feels so far away, so deceiving. Even an optimist can get momentarily crushed by the harsh reality at times. Will I be feeling ecstatic, disappointment, regret? Or simply just nothing at all? But somehow, I really enjoy relishing in this whirlwind of emotions - a truly unique sensation. Every single bit of it inching deeper into me and beckoning for my attention and energy; so painful yet satisfying. I can't even bring myself to put it down in words. Just lay back and let this monster captivate my soul. |