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Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed |
Tuesday, February 10, 2015 @ 3:28 pm
People always say take each day as it comes. I had that philosophy all along. No worrying about the future, no planning ahead - just revel in the surprises, excitement, anger, disappointments and sadness that each day brings, revel in the emotional whirlpool of every day. Feeling real.People always say let go of certainties and venture into the unknown. Ambitious and bold, but I thought I was open to subscribing to this thought too. No 100% sure in life, and since nothing in the world is gonna be 100%, just quit dwelling on the probability of something not going your way and live like you're supposed to. It's amazing how such visions so close to my heart can be eroded in a matter of days and weeks. I can no longer feel or think straight. For the whole of two weeks, the most torturous two weeks in my life. Things change, people change. I knew I hated to be certain about something. But this time I finally understand how frustrating and incapacitating it could be if I never made a decision on which side to stand on. And you being unsure of it makes me all the more puzzled. I thought I had someone to rely on to see me through the mess, to show me how simple and happy things could be amongst the multitude of complications, to tell me that you've got my back even if shit gets real and that we can live life like what we envisioned - living in the moment. Like how I thought things had been all this while. Then you told me the line was blurred and there's nothing that you can do but to experiment and think. What line? The only thing I was certain about is that I have always been clear with what I'm doing, that I know what and how I feel and these have never changed since Day 0. The only thing that I was ever certain about. That line you were talking about. I thought it's pretty normal at some point in time it'll somehow surface as an issue. But I couldn't take it. I can't live with you being hot and cold anytime you'd like, which forces me to do the same, something that I'd never do if I had the choice. I can't live knowing that there is a jarring issue but simply just ignore it and pretend things are still the same and we could be like what we were, except this and that and those. I can't live not knowing if deep down inside it mattered to you and if you were willing to work together to change things. This isn't an experiment. And no matter how many times I've tried to say it, nothing ever gets into your head. I'm not a chess piece. I'm not your chess piece. I'm not your back-up plan. I'm not your lab rat. I'm not a rock. I'm human. I can feel. I can think. You can't stop me from feeling and thinking. You can't be greedy. You can't have only a part of me that you'd wanna remember and keep. It's stupid, irrational, somewhat evil. To me, it didn't matter what went wrong (if something even did go wrong). All I wanted was for you to tell me your intent, and I'd gladly go along. I keep thinking there was something you should have said, but did not. This isn't something you can weigh the pros and cons for, not something you can use your brain to rationalise. It was never meant to be justifiable. I thought everything worked well, and that it was just you over-thinking and being super-sensitive. Until things started to affect me. I really want to quit. Not because things have changed, but because I think things have never changed. You're still unsure, still irresponsible, still uncommitted, still unable to control yourself, still unable to step out of disastrous thinking after so long. As much as I'm reluctant to give it up, I'd have to if it's not working out for you. Even if I have to pay a huge sacrifice for it. There are actually some things that are certain. And it's not always true that time can wash away all your troubles and pain. Because every day and night I think of this. I count the chances. I pray and hope that the tables would turn and stop the nightmare, not knowing that deep down in your heart you've already given up. But now I know. I can fight alone. I hope you get the freedom you desire. |