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Tuesday, March 03, 2015 @ 12:37 am
Childish rant ahead. Be prepared to shut your eyes.The worst week of my life. Officially down. Tortuous studying for CA3 when my mind isn't even there with the books. How am I even supposed to think straight and concentrate? The first few days were so horrendous; I strayed away from the thoughts about acetyl-CoA carboxylase and HDLs too often and got lost in the tangled-up mess of our degraded relationship so much. I couldn't stop thinking about what went wrong and how it happened, whether there's anything I could do to turn things around, or whether I should even try in the first place. Too much time and tears were spent on calming myself down and on trying to face the fact that this could all well be over. I know I don't want it to end. But I don't know if you still feel the same. If it isn't love, it's very very close. Got on well when LawMed Dance was over. It was a pretty good way to give my mind a break and to vent all my frustrations. Made a few friends and the post-dance enthusiasm didn't seem to wanna die down. After LawMed Dance the sense of urgency to start studying hit me and so I did. Thankfully you did me the favour of not further evoking and inciting some unexplainable intense feeling of downright heartbreak and sadness. Literally felt well enough to study, although at times I still pick up my phone and stare blankly into it, waiting for the Whatsapp messages that seemed to have gotten lost mid-air along with the wind. I got better. I started thinking that I must adopt a positive attitude and sound happy so that you won't find me an emo annoying prick. So I saw myself taking it easy on the seen-but-not-replied texts. I kept waiting. Patiently. For the day I get my answer. Sunday came. It was a shitty panic attack day. I realised how crippled I was without your support, without your words of encouragement, without your help to get me by. I realised how emotionally reliant I was on you, and how easily my mood could get affected along with yours. You told me to calm down and work on. You called me and wished me all the best for my exams. That could easily have been the best thing that happened to me in the year so far. I thought, maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. Then today came. The questions I've been wanting so badly to ask but haven't came out of my mouth for sheer fear of disrupting my focus. I've been trying so hard to learn how to accept the worst possible answers. The answers that I already should have known or already did know deep down inside. The same questions, the same answers. So helpless and sick and tired of how this is going in cycles - me feeling insecure and bombarding you with questions and adding a disclaimer to tell you that I'm not stressing you out but in fact I am doing just that, you giving me the same answers saying that you need alone time, me trying to grapple with that sense of loss. Just how direction-less everything is going. In denial. Are we really through? Why can't you just tell me if I still stand a chance? Why can't you give me a chance to correct it while things aren't spiralling downwards too much yet? Why can't you hear me out? I knew just how much you meant to me for me to feel all these in such a short span of 2-3 weeks. You told me to just leave you alone. I wanted to. I did. For a day. I was angry. So many stupid and childish thoughts came to my mind: so now I'm annoying? Are you doing this just so you can yolo and have a second chance in romance instead of being stuck at your first which is so uncool? Have you learnt the disgusting side of me such that it turns you off so much? Are your new priorities really so high up there? Are you really caring about what I deserve or just pretending to be noble to shake me off? Are you gonna put me on hold as a last resort? Am I really that worthless in your eyes? Am I right for you? Are you right for me? You told me to learn how to be a bit more selfish. I swear I haven't been trying to act all nice in front of you. Freaking hell no. I don't even have the mental energy to think about myself now that you've bogged my mind so much. I don't have to pretend. I thought everything was fine. I've learnt to accept it as a sign of a relationship too comfortable. I never knew it could backfire in this manner. I did try, I told you some things wouldn't work out right from the start. But you don't seem to be able to practice enough self-control. I hate this whole thing because you can't give me enough answers to convince me that I should be alright. Two nights ago, I had sort of a nightmare that kept me on tenterhooks literally throughout the entire night while I was asleep/half-asleep. I was sitting on a park bench alone, with nothing much in the backdrop but grey skies and nice meadow. I was waiting for something... I felt something or someone close by, but I never mustered enough courage to turn around to check. I felt so naked, like I was being observed, scrutinised, my every moment and every breath. I waited and waited nervously. I woke up, still waiting. To my surprise. this was so reflective of my current state. What if I turned, looked back and saw that someone or something? Wouldn't things have been way different? But why. Why are you ignoring me. Why are you giving me the cold shoulder? Is avoiding me really the best solution you can think of? Just how annoying am I to you? Or have you already found someone to replace me? Maybe sometimes some things are better left unanswered. Just imagine all of these + studying for CA3. The turnout? I messed up the paper. DUH. I did study, but I couldn't recall. I panicked throughout the entire duration. I couldn't find my way to my head. This was easily the worst exam I ever took in my life. I can't be bothered whether I can pass or not. I just wanted to be alright. Back with my mind. Back with the presence of mind. Right now I don't even know how to talk to you. I don't even know how to face you. Why are you screwing up things that are all well and not messed up? How do we face the people around us? When people ask, what am I supposed to say when even I don't know? Can't blame y'all for being insensitive though. "So what did you do for CNY/Valentine's?" "Idk no plans yet?" "Maybe that's the whole point! You have a surprise waiting for you!!" *Ha-ha* Bullshit. "Oh, we're taking a break right now?" "Wow what break? A holiday? That's so sweet!" Fuck off really. I really wish people can stop asking if I'm fine. I'm not but I don't think you knowing about it can make me feel better. Let me just pretend to be this cheerful funny girl like I always have been. Let me just try to find myself. I don't know when things will get better, but someday they will. Someday I will be fine. It's just a matter of time. To the both of us - a blind eye, a deaf ear, but an unyielding heart. Hahaha happy 300th post anniversary. What's the point of anniversaries anyway if people don't celebrate them? |