|
Hello, World.
|
|
|
Wishlist #1 Be adventurous #2 Be of value to those around me #3 Find a spur in life tagboard Widgets Affiliates
CKPS6A`o7 Aaron Aisyah Ariel Calvin Camilia Chee Yong Clarice Darren Ee Zhen Eng Xuan Jacky Jean Joo Yoon Katherine Lisa Mei Yee MC Mo Munir Peng Ker Qian Joo Qi Hui Sam Seo Jung Vanessa Wei Ling Winky Yong Lun Zhe Shen CCHMS CCHMSCO Florence Jacinda Ka Wing Mabel 2DL'09 CLASS BLOG! Aileen Beatrice Cherylmine Clara Gillian Hui Ping Hui Zhen Jia Yan Jocelyn Lynn Pei Xuan Po Chun Rochelle Rosamund Sherrie Si Min Sudarno Sze Ning Tian Lerk Tze Fung Wen Hao Xing Hwee Xin Hui Others Brian Cousin Kelvin Daryl 1DL Facilitators Blossom Ginny Jessica Ee Lin Joey archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed |
Saturday, March 12, 2016 @ 6:19 pm
It's been awhile.It's been awhile since I revisited my younger self, the things that I love, and the memories that I once held onto so dearly. Some things have come to a standstill after this whole long while. Now that the academic year is almost coming to an end (for me at least), I guess it'd be good to just take a step back and think. Or maybe take a massive step back actually. Throughout my first two years in University, the only things I've been concentrating on are academic work, making new friends, earning a bit of money, planning overseas travels, spending a bit more time with my family and more recently keeping in touch with the old friends and re-connecting with many. It's been fulfilling so far in these respects. But today I revisited those that I stashed away so long ago, and started to feel a slight tinge of regret and dishonour to my past self. #1 Writing I've always been particularly fond of writing. The more nonsensical the content is, the better I write. Be it essays on killing cockroaches, describing the figments of my imagination, or just simply the fine day-to-day details from brushing my teeth to hearing birds chirp. I've amazed myself by how I managed to convince my then English teacher to hop on my ride and join me on my crazy virtual adventures. It was extraordinary to have someone actually appreciate your writing from time to time, and giving favourable remarks to encourage you. Besides many more things that I love, writing has definitely made me much less of a recluse and developed my personality since then. I embraced each question with an open mind and heart, just writing whatever that I felt like writing. It was truly therapeutic. I am sincerely blessed to have the capability to influence thoughts (in some way or another), and do well at what I absolutely loved. Essay writing was never a chore, always a pleasure. Looking back, I know I haven't done any "therapy" of that sort ever since I entered med school. And I'm pretty sure many of us in Uni have forgotten all that truthful joy in doing things that we love, simply because we just can't set aside time to do so. Although I always thought something like that was a bad excuse, but at least in the short term, time always seems to not be on our side. Even if we actually do have time to spare, we'd think we're better off spending it on dating (or mulling over dating issues), drinking (or being wasted), sleeping (or being in a coma trying to repay a sleep debt - it doesn't work by the way), eating (otherwise known as cafe-hopping for the trendy) or just... on social media I guess. Today I suddenly realised how these pursuits have diminished my inner self greatly, to the extent that I feel I will never be able to pick up a pen and indulge in my own thoughts just based on my five senses. The power has dissipated and I don't think I'd ever garner enough strength to attempt doing something like that, for fear of utter disappointment. It feels like a profound loss, something left behind in the deep recesses of my collection of memories not yet forgotten. #2 Music Today Mo sent me a Snapchat of HCCO's then SYF 2013 performance of 夏日骄阳. The first thing that came to my mind was: WOW how did you end up on this page of YouTube when there are so much more you can watch. Then I felt ashamed that I actually thought so, because I was sooooo glad for her that she went back to recollect this memory of mine. I was particularly ashamed that I wasn't the one who went back to search for myself. Subsequently, I spent the remainder of the afternoon watching many of the CO performances (since I had other friends from different junior colleges), and also "helped" the others to look back at themselves. CO was something I prided myself greatly on ever since secondary school. I picked up a new instrument, and even though I didn't do it particularly well, at least I thought it was of a reasonable standard to perform. I remember the countless days I spent watching YouTube videos of other orchestras playing the same songs, having saved many CO videos and other music-related things on my YouTube favourites. But now, it's all fluff and comedies and videos gloating over others' plight and stuff like that. I felt a shadow over my head as I labelled myself as "shallow". I remember how I could get goosebumps from appreciating Western bands and Chinese orchestras and their soulful interpretations, being deep in thought and wanting to get a similar feel for my own interpretation of music. In JC, my peers and I would always comment on musicality. I thought I was in no position to comment on anything, until I found some who agree with me on my stance. I was extremely pleased that I actually had the slight inclination towards music, and until now I am still eternally grateful to those who gave me a voice. Looking back, I really regret having this inferiority complex and being fearful to try out new things, which shied me away from taking music exams for both piano and suona. I'm pained by the opportunities I missed when I was younger, and at this point I don't think I can gather enough courage to try again from where I left off. I just hope that those who have been fighting alongside me with regards to music will never leave and always constantly remind me of this camaraderie and purpose in music. All I can say is - growing up isn't easy. Not in the I-have-to-fend-for-myself sense (because everybody has to gain independence someday), but rather in the did-I-get-lost-somewhere sense. There are many other things that I would definitely regret not doing along the way, but as of now I think realities have been harsh and they've pushed me to become a more practical person. Nothing wrong with that, but it definitely stops me from being idealistic about some things at times. I don't think a lot of people understand where I'm coming from, because even at home I get frowned upon when I do things out of practicality (and necessity in my opinion). It is just a fine struggle as an adolescent going-on adult. And sometimes I really am extremely tired of carrying heavy responsibilities even though I know the returns are going to be stunning (for example teaching my own sister instead of getting her another tuition teacher - she probably doesn't understand why I am sooooooo damn unwilling to teach her seriously). Today, I got the goosebump sensation again listening to the music I once made, and it was a euphoric experience. For now, I just want to be burden-free (at least until the end of my clinical postings next month) and enjoy a good holiday before shit hits the fan. |